Costume Shopping was the Easy Part
by Sarah1281
Summary: The countdown to Halloween has begun and Newt is determined to make sure he and Hermann have amazing costumes. He's sure it'll take awhile but they'll both be satisfied with their costumes in the end. Now if only the second part of his plan, finally asking Hermann out, could go as smoothly. Or really any degree of smoothly. How is it possible for one conversation to be so awkward?


"Hermann, get over here," Newton called out.

Hermann paused in his writing and glanced over.

Newton was staring at a computer screen and he looked up and gestured frantically for Hermann to come over to him.

"What?" Hermann asked as though that was ever going to work with Newton.

Sure enough, Newton's arm gestures just became more pronounced and his voice was louder as he reiterated, "Get over here!"

Hermann sighed, finished up what he was working on, and descended the ladder to see what Newton needed to see him about so badly. Knowing him, it could just as easily be discovering a way to stop the kaiju as it was wanting to know if Hermann wanted to get in on his lunch order. He had learned the hard way that most of the time, unless he was really busy or particularly irritated with Newton, it was best to pick his battles and at least go see what he wanted. That way if it was sufficiently a waste of his time he knew that and could complain about it properly.

Hermann leaned over Newton's shoulder. " ."

Newton patted the seat he had set up next to his own. "This may take a while."

Hermann did sit down because this sort of courtesy in Newton really was to be encouraged and he had been standing on his ladder for some time. "Newton, I really don't have time for this."

"Hermann, Halloween is coming up and you really don't have any time to waste if you want a costume. Like a real one and not just like last year when you dressed up as Alan Turing."

"I didn't dress up last year," Hermann said, frowning.

Newton groaned, looking physically pained. "Hermann, please, let me have this. I ask for so little."

Hermann couldn't have helped the snort that escaped him if he'd tried.

Newton blinked guilelessly back at him.

"Have you been looking at this site long?"

Newton shook his head. "Not really. In fact I just clicked over to the men's section a minute ago, right before I called you."

"Then…what were you doing on it?" Hermann asked.

"I was checking out the women's costumes," Newton explained.

"Were you intending to order a woman's costume?" Hermann asked.

"Nah, those never fit right," Newton said. "I was more checking to see…Okay, so back when I was still stateside I always went Halloween costume shopping in person. It was easy because every year temporary Halloween costume stores would just pop up all over the place and there were so many costumes and you could try them on and see if they fit and it was really nice! The fact you didn't know who else tried them on and what their level of hygiene was or if they were wearing underpants was not, so much, but that's the same special brand of Russian Roulette you play at department stores, too. And I didn't dig the fact that usually the changing room was just a curtain pulled in front of a small area. But I digress."

"I've been to my fair share of Halloween stores," Hermann said, nodding. "What were you checking up on?"

"I don't know if you ever noticed this phenomenon, given these were likely not the sorts of costumes you were looking into, but it is really hard to find a woman's costume that isn't completely…shall we say…not safe for work," Newton said. "And that's great for the people who are out to get that. But when that's pretty much the only option? I saw this one that looked really nice once – it was like a Greek god one I think – but for some reason while most of it went down pretty low the part right in front literally was underwear level. Like you couldn't find a cop or a teacher or a doctor costume or anything. It was all porn parodies of them. Which, again, great if that's what you're going for but _if it's not_ …Oh, I have had more than one argument with costume creators, let me tell you that."

It was on the tip of Hermann's tongue to ask how Newton could _possibly_ spare the time and energy to worry about something like that with all of the other causes he'd championed and, well, the imminent destruction of their species but he really did know better than that. Newton was the embodiment of the 'Pick your battles. No that's too many battles. Put some back' meme. The odds were likely that he would drop dead from stress before he was 50. No wonder he lived like he had no regard for his personal safety.

"And what did you find?" he asked instead.

"It was actually a pleasant surprise," Newton said brightly. "Yeah, sure, there were those kinds of costumes. But, again, there is nothing wrong with those costumes. Those costumes had the word 'sexy' in front of them I guess for ease of location? But they had plenty of costumes that weren't, too, and it's really the choice that matters here. Guess I won't have to send an angry email to these guys."

"You don't have to sound so disappointed about it," Hermann said.

"Oh ha, ha,' Newton said, rolling his eyes. "Now let's look at these. We can look at all of them or go by category. Personally I think that's a better way to start. We've got...animals and bugs, careers, clowns and circus, cosplay and anime, DC comics, Decades, food and drinks, funny, Harry Potter, historical, holidays, inflatable costumes, international, mascot costumes, masquerade, ninjas, pirates, playboy, princess and prince, renaissance, rock stars and musicians, scary, skin suits, space aliens and astronauts, sports, star wars, steampunk, storybook, superheroes, TV and movies, video games, villains, western cowboys and Indians, zombies, and teens. Okay, I'm just going to have to click on that food one right now because I bet that it will be amazing."

As Newton clicked the button, the screen changed.

There was a puppet man or something people could sit on that looked terribly impractical for moving around and that was said to be a beer buddy. There was an egg and bacon couples costume as well as a peanut butter and jelly one and a cookies and milk one. A cheeseburger costume and a hot dog costume. Ketchup, mustard, several different kinds of alcohol. Pizza, a banana, corn, ice cream, watermelon, waffles, an eggplant, Chinese takeout, a taco, a carrot, a pineapple, nerds candy, an avocado, steak, the Kool-Aid man, an orange, grapes, peanuts, Oreos (both single and couples), a fish taco, a bacon suit, another hot dog (this one a couples costume with one being the hot dog and the other the bun), and a pickle.

Newton laughed as he pointed to the avocado. "Millennials represent! And I know this technically is just a pickle, not a Pickle Rick but that whole thing kind of ruined pickles for me forever. Not that I'd ever be caught dead dressing up as food. It's like how unoriginal and cutesy can you get? Try a little!"

"I don't have the strong opinions you seem to on this matter," Hermann said. "But I will concede that I, too, don't really see the appeal of these costumes. Maybe you could try the historical section?"

Newton nodded. "I will but keep in mind there's a good chance we're going to be looking at some racism. Brace yourself."

Hermann frowned. "I'm sorry, what-"

The first thing he saw was a King Tut costume.

"I'm not Egyptian," he said.

"Yeah, I don't think you want to be on the wrong side of history vis-à-vis the American Civil War, either," Newton said, pointing to the next one.

The third image was a man wearing some sort of American flag poncho. It looked very shiny and tacky. He shuddered. "Not my country but even if it was that level of patriotism disturbs me."

Newton laughed. "That level of patriotism disturbs all of us."

They scrolled through one questionably racist costume and many more American history costumes before Newton stopped at an American flag skin suit. "Oh, now that one I like!"

"Don't you dare," Hermann said.

"Buzzkill," Newton said as he continued to scroll but he didn't sound offended.

As they continued to look through the site, some of the costumes stood out more than others.

"Oh, look at that!" Newton said happily as he pulled up a blood-splattered white suit. "That would make me look like such a badass!"

"It would make you look like a mobster," Hermann argued. "And how exactly do you get that much blood no yourself? You would have to be very careless with whatever nefarious acts you are committing."

"Yeah, like a badass," Newton insisted.

"Why would you even be walking around in a blood-stained suit?" Hermann challenged.

"For my badass aesthetic," Newton said. "Duh."

"Well far from seeing a badass I would just think you were careless and you're displaying impossibly poor hygiene and you're just asking to be arrested and also real blood isn't that color, especially once it has a chance to dry."

"You're fun," Newton said dryly.

"You're the one who called me over here," Hermann pointed out.

"And I'm loving every minute of it."

Newton also fawned over a pure white suit but it was clear he just thought he'd look good in it – and Hermann really couldn't disagree on that front – but he didn't seem to have any ideas for what he would use it as a costume for unless it was the organized crime angle that was better covered by that bloody suit.

"Oh my God, Hermann, this would be perfect for you!" Newton exclaimed, excitedly grabbing at Hermann's arm.

"A Venus flytrap?" Hermann asked, confused. "What about that makes you think of me?"

"You could be Hermann II," Newton explained.

"You want me to be a plant named after myself?"

"Oh, geez, haven't you ever seen Little Shop of Horrors?" Newton asked, huffing out a breath.

It took a moment but Hermann realized what he was referring to. "You want me to be Audrey II."

"No, no, _Hermann_ II. I just said that."

"But that wasn't the name of the character," Hermann protested.

"You don't need to get all pedantic about it," Newton said. "You can be Hermann II, named for my unspoken feelings for Hermann I – that's you – and I'll be the brilliant idiot who brings you to life and accidentally nearly gets the world destroyed. We're going with the movie ending for this since it's less depressing."

Hermann ignored the bit about why the plant should be called Hermann II because Newton was always joking about things like that and focused on the second part. "Newton, are you saying you see your role as someone who will nearly destroy the world?"

"In pursuit of science?" Newton asked rhetorically. "I mean, I figure I have decent odds of it. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it."

Well he could but it would be an outright lie. "I wouldn't let you. I'd keep an eye on you and your 'but I have to! For science!' tendencies."

"Aw, Hermann, I appreciate you," Newton said warmly, smiling at him. "But that still leaves me Seymour."

"Let's come back to that if we can't find anything better," Hermann said, privately resolving that there was no way he was going along with that.

Newton was easily distracted anyway. "Haunted tree!"

The costume was a gnarled looking tree that had signs on it saying 'beware', 'turn back', and 'no trespassing.'

Newton was watching Hermann for a reaction.

"I like it," Hermann said, with a shrug.

Newton beamed. "Excellent! I will add it to the maybe pile."

"Why are we still looking?" Hermann asked. "We've both found some things."

"We have both found some perfectly fine 'maybe' things," Newton explained. "I'm looking for something that really speaks to us. If not, there are always these to come back to."

"Aw, look, a deep sea diver costume!" Newton said excitedly. "It's all shiny and gold! It could almost be like an alien spacesuit, too. We could go down and say hi to the kaiju!"

Hermann took a moment to process how truly idiotic of an idea that was. "Newton-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, don't make everything about kaiju," Newton interrupted, sighing. "People don't understand my fascination with it and think I actually legitimately stan them."

"Not to mention that if you could go down to the breach it wouldn't be anything interesting unless it was time for a new kaiju to come out at which point you would be quickly killed and the pollution levels there would likely kill you either way," Hermann added.

"Well what about this one?" Newton asked, gesturing emphatically towards the screen. "I'm in a shark costume and there's a pair of legs coming out of my mouth because I am in the process of eating someone!"

"It is a cool idea," Hermann said. "I'm not sure how comfortable it would be after a while or how you'd be able to talk to them but it's certainly intriguing."

Newton beamed and moved on to the next one. "Science Faction Suit."

It was a black suit and tie with a white shirt under it. The suit and tie weren't strictly black but rather covered in all sorts of equations and graphs and formulas and little doodles. It was a lot like looking at his chalkboard.

He glanced over to see Newton smiling softly at him. "You found your one, huh?"

Hermann cleared his throat. "Ah, well, yes, I do quite like the look of this one. Very scientific and it wouldn't make me look ridiculous."

"No, of course not," Newton agreed. "Though I dare say that's half the fun. But this looks nice and professional-ish and you look good in a suit."

Hermann's ears pinkened. "Thank you, Newton."

"No problem. I'll just drop this one in the cart for you and keep looking."

Hermann nodded and waited for Newton to go on.

Newton gave him a strange look.

"What?" Hermann asked defensively.

"I…Just…Do you think you might change your mind if you see more costumes?" Newton asked uncertainly.

"No, of course not," Hermann said. "I made a decision and I will stick with it. Why?"

"Well, your part is kind of done. You don't have to keep sitting here with me looking for costumes," Newton said awkwardly.

A moment of panic, a surge of energy almost sending him to his feet and away from Newton. He swallowed it down. "I rather think I do. You might end up with that Greek god costume you were telling me about if you don't."

Newton laughed and looked strangely pleased as he resumed his scrolling. "Please. Like you could stop me if I really wanted it. Oh, oh, look! Inflatable grim reaper! I get to be its victim and it's out to help me depart from this mortal coil!"

"Yes but you'd be the helpless victim and that's not really a look I can see you pulling off," Hermann said.

"You know, you do have a point," Newton agreed. "It'd make a much better couples costume."

"For terribly unhealthy couples, sure."

"Ooh, nice Mardi Gras," Newton said approvingly. "Black top hat, domino mask, gloves, giant stick thingy…nice dark purple button shirt, bitching multicolor Mardi Gras mask face…I might have to save this for actual Mardi Gras assuming we live that long."

Hermann rolled his eyes.

"What?"

"I think we can assume most future plans are contingent on us staying alive," Hermann said.

"Well, yeah," Newton said. "But end of days!"

"That just makes the likelihood of us remaining alive rather slimmer than it was before, it does not change this basic fact about getting things done," Hermann replied.

"Oh, I like this one for you!" Newton exclaimed. "I don't know what it is but you're right you would look good in period clothing."

"I already have a costume, Newton," Hermann reminded him. The costume in question was a rich blue admiral's outfit complete with a wig, a black naval hat, white gloves, and a sword.

"I know and it's great – though, really, we haven't purchased it yet – but this would look so hot on you," Newton said.

"I really fail to see what that has to do with anything," Hermann said, clearing his throat awkwardly. "I don't dislike it, don't get me wrong, it just doesn't quite hold my interest the way the science outfit does."

Newton gave one last, longing look to the admiral outfit before moving on. "Oh, sweet, octopus costume! I love octopus!"

Hermann smiled. "That really does not surprise me in the slightest."

"Still, it looks a little like I just put a giant octopus stuffed animal there," Newton said. "And you can't really see it's me."

"Oh, I know you'll like that one," Hermann said, his smile widening, as he pointed to an inflatable velociraptor.

"Oh, definitely," Newton said, grinning back. "But those things are pretty unwieldy and take up a lot of space. I've been in one of those before. Oh, bigfoot is always classy but my height can make it a bit challenging."

"That one looks like the Riddler," Hermann said, gesturing to one. "A strange Christmas Riddler."

Newton laughed. "Oh my God, it does. Candy canes on the suit instead of question marks and a red hat instead of green but I'm definitely seeing it. And a candy cane cane instead of…I think he also has a cane? Probably question mark related?"

"I could look it up maybe," Hermann said. "I'm really not an expert."

Newton's eyes widened. "Oh. Oh. This is it. This is the one."

Hermann leaned forward, feeling rather confused. "Really? This one?"

"Yeah," Newton said, looking a little hurt. "What's wrong with it?"

The costume was labelled 'Mens Dark Prince Costume'. It was grey material with a black chest piece and brown fake-fur shoulder pads as well as brown gloves. There were five blue jewels across the top of the chest piece. There was a brown belt with a large blue-jewel belt buckle. The boots went up to the knee of the model. It was grey with fake brown fur at the top and at the ankles. There was a large black X on both of the boots. There was a large sword that came with it.

"Nothing," Hermann said honestly. "It's very nice. I think it'd look good on you. I just expected something a little…stranger. You were very excited about the shark eating someone one or that Little Shop of Horrors one."

"I am also way into getting to be a hot prince," Newton explained. "I'm like an ogre, Hermann. I have layers."

Hermann couldn't help a laugh at that and he watched Newton put the order in the cart.

Newton quickly filled out the payment information and pressed the confirm sale button.

"And that's that," he said, sounding satisfied.

Hermann nodded. "I have to admit, I'm rather excited about my costume and I didn't expect it. Good choice of site, Newton."

"Of course!" Newton said, sticking two fingers out in front of him in a clichéd victory pose.

Hermann rose. "Well that was diverting but I really should get back to work."

He hadn't quite made it to his chalkboard when Newton called out to him.

"Hermann!"

"Yes?" Hermann asked, turning around.

Newton stood there looking indecisive. That wasn't like him.

"Newton? Yes?" Hermann prompted.

Newton's face twisted and he looked almost uncomfortable. "I just…Hermann…fuck, I don't know how to say this. This is really awkward."

"You're making it awkward," Hermann said, probably not helpfully. "I really don't know what this is."

"I just want to, like, bring it up all smooth or whatever but I can't think of any good way to segue into it," Newton explained. "And I've really been thinking about it! So I finally figure, like, fuck it. Just be blunt. It'll get the point across at any rate and we can continue on from there, one way or the other, once it's all out there."

"I'm sure we could," Hermann agreed. "If you took your own advice and were actually being at all direct instead of explaining to me how and why you will absolutely be direct any day now."

Newton glared at him. "This isn't easy, you know!"

"The data does point that way but you're really making it impossible for me to know for sure one way or another."

Newton threw his hands up in the air. "Why do I even want to do this?"

"I would love to weigh in but, unfortunately, still don't have enough information," Hermann said. "I could suggest it's because you're a human disaster with limited impulse control and no concern for your own safety. It's usually something related to that."

"Really want to argue with you, Herms, but I'm not altogether sure you're wrong," Newton said, laughing slightly manically. "Especially about this."

"Which is…?" Hermann prompted again. Ordinarily this level of dithering would make him lose all interest in what was going on and he hadn't started with a great deal of it but for some reason Newton's refusal to just tell him when he had just told him many, many things he probably should have handled more delicately was really making him curious.

"Okay so it's like this," Newton said. He swallowed his lips.

"Like what?" Hermann asked when it became clear that Newton was not going to continue.

Newton took a deep breath. "Hermann, I kind of want to date the fuck out of you."

Hermann blinked at him. "What."

"What?" Newton asked back.

"You want to date me."

"I do," Newton confirmed, nodding.

"And you really couldn't think of a better way to say that? Maybe something laced with a little less profanity?"

"I think we both know that I could not," Newton said.

"I mean, you didn't even ask me anything. It's just a statement of fact. You want to date me."

"Oh," Newton said. "That is true."

Hermann waited.

"What?" Newton asked.

"Well…are you going to? Ask, that is?"

Newton looked down at his feet as if they were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. "Well that depends. I kind of want to gauge your reaction on the first part of what I said before I get to a point I need an answer on. You kind of can't reject me for just the statement I want to date you."

"I think you can find I'm perfectly capable of rejecting a great many people in a wide variety of circumstances," Hermann said.

Newton scrunched his face up. "Okay, so, like, are you rejecting me now or are you just stating a fact of your own?"

"Newton, surely you've been rejected enough in your time that you can tell the difference."

"Well, yeah, ordinarily I can but you're really not being very clear," Newton complained.

Hermann gave him an incredulous look. "I'm not being clear? _I'M_ not being clear?"

"That is what I said and that is what I meant," Newton said, crossing his arms.

"Sorry, I'm just stuck on you possibly just letting me know you want to date me and wandering off to never speak of this again or to ask me out and see what response you'll get. Like, am I supposed to ask you? Is this some passive-aggressive tactic to let me know you'd say yes if I were to ask? You're asking me to ask you out?" Hermann demanded.

"Herms, I think that just maybe you're overthinking this," Newton said.

"Well I don't know about that but I don't think the statement you want to date me is one that really warrants a response," Hermann said. "Now if a certain question were to be asked then I may have to formulate an answer."

Newton ran a hand through his hair frustratedly. "I'm really hoping that this is your passive-aggressive way of letting me know you'd say yes if I asked and not just an elaborate way of making me ask properly so you can reject me properly."

"Hope does spring eternal," Hermann said placidly. "But as to my response you're going to have to actually ask to find out."

"Fine, you fucking weirdo," Newton said, rolling his eyes. "But for the record, if you don't say yes after all this I'm going to eat your chalk again."

"And I believe that constitutes workplace harassment," Hermann said, narrowing his eyes.

"Hermann, would you like to go on a date with me?" Newton asked.

"Newton, I would be delighted."

Newton's eyes widened comically. "Wait, really? Like seriously?"

"Yes, seriously," Hermann said, nodding. "I think it will be good for us and there's some things I would like to try with you that aren't very appropriate for the lab setting."

Newton smirked. "Oh, I just bet there are. But wait, if you were going to say yes right away why not just do it instead of making me jump through hoops? Or were you thinking about it?"

"No, I was always going to say yes," Hermann said. "And those were hardly hoops, I just wanted you to actually ask me. As for why I was being a little…unclear, I might as well just ask you why you couldn't ask me right away to go out in the first place."

"It was hard! I was nervous! What if you said no?" Newton demanded, throwing his hands up in the air.

"I say no to you all the time," Hermann pointed out. "That never usually bothers you."

"Yeah but then I just ignore you or pester you until you change your mind," Newton explained. "You can't do that with dating. You have to respect the answer so the stakes were higher."

Hermann just looked at him for a moment before shaking his head and chuckling.

"What?" Newton asked, confused.

"I'm just thinking. Newton, we are either the best at this or the worst at this. There's really no other option here."

"I vote for best," Newton replied. "But I'm totally willing to be the best worst mistake you ever made."

"Is that a reference to something? I feel like that's a reference to something."

Newton waved him off. "Eh, don't worry about it. So, like, now what? Should we go get ready for our date or…I know I just asked but you know I'm shit at patience so I figure we kind of have to go tonight or else I'll drive both of us crazy and you'll end up snapping and killing either me or yourself or maybe both and we'll never get to go."

"As grave a danger as I think that is, we can hardly just go now," Hermann protested.

"Why not?" Newton asked, almost pouting.

"Because it's only three in the afternoon," Hermann replied. "We have to stay here until at least five."

Newton sighed theatrically. "Fine. I guess we'll stay here for another two hours and do our actual jobs and _then_ we can go and get ready and go out and have an amazing first date."

"This will give you time to plan," Hermann said.

Newton laughed. "Hermann, if you don't think I haven't planned out exactly how this night is going since the day I saw we would be working together here…"

"So no pressure, right?" Hermann asked sarcastically.

Newton smiled coyly. "Or all the pressure. We'll see how it goes."


End file.
